Enter The Arena
It’s been 10 years. Beautiful, harrowing, tragic, frightening, traumatic, disparaging, sorrowful, joyful, stupendous, amazing, miraculous, passionate, enlightening, freeing - all describe my road leading to me. The wholehearted me.
Life is messy, but not just in the middle. When I started my journey I found three words that resonated with me for my creative path: #Form, #Storm, #Perform. Planning ahead, I deduced that in 5 years I would have the freedom to quit the 9-5 technical job and be a full-time artist/writer/performer.
Clarinet Moon
Just like in the books by Brene Brown, “Braving the Wilderness” and “Rising Strong” - first the hardships, the face-downs, the horrid deltas, the alone-ness, the silence, the sense of being on the outside of life, pressing my nose against the glass watching the real people live life.
And then I spent 60 days in a teepee on Black Lake. A gorgeous glamping teepee, equipped with spa cot, matching cotton quilts and pillows, my musical instruments, writing journals, art books, makeup, summer outfits, and content Siamese cat.
This happened 2 years ago. I chose to become homeless and accompany my family on an adventure north. Camp trailers and a map, a well but no hot water, and Black Lake for very cold bathing. (Yes, we did have a destination at the end of our long summer campout. )
I journaled everyday. Hours in the hot summer air, beneath the canopy of tall pines, watching small forest animals surround me, curious of my presence. I decided this was the time to open completely to my creativity - a door that once open will not be shut.
I was not expecting the flooding of remembrances from childhood. In the beginning it was painful, but as I leaned into the discomfort, the dots began connecting.
My most memorable time at Black Lake were the nights filled with the clarinet music of Acker Bilk filling my teepee and the meadow as I watched the stars and cried, remembering the past, the family music performances, all that had once been my entire life. A deep letting go. The freedom to have a new beginning.
The Reset
Sometimes the best laid plans still go awry. My dream of opening a music retreat and filling my online courses with happy participants ended abruptly. A family crisis. One which I could not ignore or run from. It was a life defining moment to put my dream on hold again.
During this time, I met what I call - People of The Trail. I never expected to live at a travel motel for months, sleeping in my SUW which I had named fondly ‘Moose’.
I chose to do so for the quiet and bliss, and to not share a room with 7 family members. Moose’s spacious sleeping area with sunroof and moon roof helped me relive the Clarinet Moon experience of Black Lake and to rest for whatever the future held.
I learned that there are all sorts of people that operate with just as many diverse codes of ethics or lack of. I was witness to arrests, the homeless, the addict, the alcoholic, the night walker, the immigrant, and the long-term denizens of The Trail and their stories. As a group we connected and gathered to save a puppy from mistreatment. I found that I could be friends with a high priestess named ‘Abyss’ and become amazed by her concern and caring for others. I discovered the scent of Patchouli. I stopped hating people and started getting curious about people.
The Brave & The Brokenhearted (Writer)
I am a writer. I have always been a writer. It is my way of getting real. It is my favorite form of communication next to music performance.
I started by owning my own story and by telling my story through creative art journaling. I became so amazed by my own art journal breakthroughs that I created an online course at my website Rise+Shine | Ruby Road US called “Lifebooking - Start Your Adventure”.
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I discover life through being curious, withholding my judgement of the lives of others, their choices, and their stories.
And when I do so, I find an even deeper connection to life, others, and my self.
Wow. You have been through a lot. I am looking forward to your stories. Love your creative spirit. My motto is "I live to create and I create to live." It's true. I wanted to throw it all away and I realized that I can't live without creativity. Writing has been a saving grace and it will continue to be for you too. ox
It carries me daily. It's breath, food and water. Have a great day exploring!