December Reins

It's beginning to foal a lot like Christmas

Pure wonderful. (Pinterest Pin)

Bits

When family stirs the embers.

The weather outside looks like a snow globe, just waiting to be shook to create the swirling of snowflakes. Call it Narnia as this story unfolds - a Quest, a Protagonist and an Antagonist. In such a beautiful landscape comes adversity showing up by casting its dark shadow and ugliness. This is called holiday family dysfunction.

Definitely out of my control. Can I relocate to the moon?

I yearn for the days of old of the entire German town coming together at our Grandmother’s house, every room filled with wall to wall men and women laughing and joking and telling hilarious farm stories. My dad and grandfather are in the living room seated on stools with banjo and fiddle playing tunes for all. Great Uncle John is on his harmonica following their tunes. Kids are banned to the outdoors, but the delicious smells from the kitchen waft outside to us alongside the sound of the hoe-downs and western ballads. Waiting for the dinner bell to ring, we cousins play hide-and-seek and compare our new outfits: blue jeans, shirts and cowboy boots. I wish for a pair of white cowgirl boots with brown wing tips like the girl at church, but my mother purchased suitable split leather boots for my sister and me. Honestly, I am glad I have a new pair of boots and am a cowgirl. Times at Grandma’s in the small town of NW Kansas is always the most magical time of year.

Memories balance the bad. Keepsake them close to the heart.

Bridles

Change Your Mind and Your Life Will Follow Is Courageous.

Direction. ‘My Perfect Day' is every Wednesday when I write new posts for Drop The Reins. It’s a day I calendar out to remember the horses, recall my four years of dressage lessons, and reflect on dreams of riding. Along the St. Joe River there are no riding schools. The closest riding stables are found in Coeur d’Alene some 60 miles away or in the opposite direction to Deary, Idaho, and a place called Stanton Farms.

Choosing a direction when no direction appears is an awkward place to be. Here I am. Smack in the middle of a dysfunctional family with problems I cannot fix and I cannot solve. It reminds me of Jonathan Fields and his view on the hierarchy of a herd of horses. The biting and kicking that happens to establish leadership and then the number two spot, the number three spot and down the line to the last member of the herd.

Have You Heard? I’m The Leader.

We all want the family to find its Sweet Spot - the place where everyone is comfortable in being themselves and growing together as a “herd”. Jonathan Fields says, “If you can balance the directive leadership and the Sweet Spot you will have a horse that looks to you instead of worrying more about when a herd mate leaves.”

Courageous in the face of family dysfunction. I am still here for my circle of grandchildren after a traumatic event rocked our stable a couple years back. Not all the herd leaders are on the same lifestyle page. Hence, the dysfunction.

Speed. Each surrender seems so much harder than at the beginning of my spiritual journey some forty years ago. I am learning to surrender with greater speed. The opportunity to take early retirement allows the time to reflect and reframe my life. I find amazement in the slow down of enjoying just breathing, looking at the sky, and being alone.

Courageous facing new stressors caused by family dysfunction. I learned from my riding instructors to set firm boundaries in the arena and be bigger than Audacity, the fiery chestnut Welsh Cobb Thoroughbred mare at all times. I had to or I would not gain her respect. In fact, I would be in grave danger if she thought herself as the herd leader. So I am not too nonplussed by adult family members ensnared by their dysfunctional behavior. They just aren’t as big and as terrifying as Audacity. My goal is to respect myself and family members even if I do not respect their choices. God graced me with recovery the tools to disengage from dysfunctional lifestyles and behaviors. To keep my peace and purpose intact.

Rhythm. Finding cadence is rhythm, like writing a flow of words, composing a music score, or calendaring projects in a sequence that makes sense.

Courageous in continuing groundwork. I recall the effort it took to mirror the horse’s steps as together we practiced the half-pass using the arena railing to hold a straight line. Jonathan Field’s “Half-pass” technique and shoulder yield are fundamental horsemanship exercises focused on controlling the horse’s movement by directing their shoulders and hindquarters, both on the ground and in the saddle. These techniques help establish leadership, improve communication, and ensure safety by teaching the horse to move its mass away from the handler’s pressure.

Both techniques rely on establishing clear personal space and leadership using calm, assertive energy and consistent pressure and release, which are foundational principles of Jonathan Field’s horsemanship philosophy.

Using this concept of groundwork as a guide to calm, to restart the artistic flow, barricade the writing space time, and perfect the mindset for projects is incredibly freeing. Focus on groundwork and recalling the feel of the dirt and hooves partitions the mind from intrusive thoughts of on-going family dysfunction that is so destructive and seems to have its sole purpose of creating chaos to disrupt peace and well-being.

Balance. Dysfunctional behavior by family members in a household where I am trying to hold things together for the grandchildren creates a huge imbalance. I become exhausted, outraged, and discouraged. Darn, the dysfunction wins the round! The facedown I have experienced this past week is a tell-all. No wonder I found myself saying: “There is a God and it is not I.” Direction → Speed → Rhythm → Balance.

Courageous in training as creative time whether in writing or art or music and dedicating the time to not being interrupted, not be sideswiped emotionally or blackmailed by dysfunctional family members (without passing judgment on them.)

Learning how to improve balance for dressage and why it is important as a rider to train this in ours lives as much as we do with the horse. I say, as Artist, Creative, and Human Being this balance is needed in every activity - and it takes effort, it just doesn’t happen. Understanding what all is included beneath to support and maintain balance is very important.

Many Decembers have come and gone. No longer living in a 2-story, 22-window Victorian home in beautiful California or homeless for a year, living at a roadside inn in the scenic ski resort town of Kellogg. It’s been quite a journey these past 4 years with many blessings to embrace. Here’s a shout-out to The Almighty! Never forsaken and never forgotten, I refuse to deny God’s grace in the times of unexpected adversity. Having the courage to change my mind about participating in family dysfunction, courageously Saying No, finding my focus and flow, and staying the course is a gift of grace given and lessons learned- now carrying in my life saddlebags.

I want to say to those of us who do not have the Hallmark Christmas family (not even close) that we can Hope, we can Believe, we can Laugh and we can find our Joy regardless of ‘them’. It is a Let Them moment that we can embrace with a smile inside.

We can Hope, we can Believe, we can Laugh, and we can find our Joy.

The Transformative Power of Laughter in Navigating Family Dysfunction

Family dysfunction, with its intricate web of tensions, unresolved conflicts, and emotional landmines, presents a unique set of challenges that can profoundly impact individual well-being. While conventional wisdom often advocates for direct confrontation or therapy, an often-overlooked yet potent coping mechanism is the strategic use of humor and lightheartedness. Far from being a mere avoidance tactic, humor, when wielded with mindfulness and empathy, serves as a vital tool for emotional regulation, boundary setting, and fostering unexpected moments of connection within an otherwise chaotic environment. The ability to find a moment of levity amidst the chaos is a testament to human resilience and can transform seemingly insurmountable difficulties into manageable, even occasionally comical, shared experiences.

One of the primary benefits of humor in a dysfunctional setting is its capacity for cognitive reframing. It provides psychological distance from a stressful situation, allowing individuals to view the problem from a new, less threatening perspective. This mental shift can deflate the perceived severity of an issue, making it less overwhelming. For instance, a perpetually late family member, a source of frequent frustration, can be reframed not as a personal slight but as an amusing, predictable quirk, perhaps inviting a lighthearted “fashionably late” joke rather than a heated argument. This reframing doesn’t dismiss the issue entirely but provides a temporary mental reprieve, essential for managing chronic stress and building emotional resilience over time.

Think over the times of tension built from events from your family dysfunctional behavior. Sensible applied humor is an effective tension diffuser. Next time the tension is thick, take a breath and try a quip. It can interrupt power struggles and de-escalate heated arguments by introducing an unexpected element of lightness. A well-timed, gentle joke can act as a circuit breaker for rising tempers, allowing everyone a moment to breathe and regain composure before the conversation spirals into blame or defensiveness. This fosters a safer environment for communication, as shared laughter can break down social barriers and create an atmosphere of warmth and accessibility.

However, the effectiveness of humor is contingent on its style and application. Adaptive humor styles, such as affiliative humor (enhancing social bonds) and self-enhancing humor (maintaining a positive outlook), are associated with positive psychological outcomes. In contrast, maladaptive styles, including aggressive humor (sarcasm, mockery) or self-defeating humor (self-deprecation to gain approval), can exacerbate emotional distress and damage relationships further. The key is ensuring the humor lifts up, not tears down, and that all parties are, in a sense, “in on the joke”. When used inappropriately, humor can negate someone’s experience, which is a form of invalidation.

The finding a way to navigate the chaos with grace, creativity, and a sense of proportion that builds the family ties by not cutting them.

Ultimately, handling family dysfunction with humor and lightheartedness is about choosing a resilient and positive approach to a challenging situation. It is not about pretending problems do not exist, but about finding a way to navigate the chaos with grace, creativity, and a sense of proportion. By cultivating a habit of seeking out the lighter side of life and sharing those moments with others, individuals can build stronger bonds, reduce stress hormones, and create a reservoir of positive shared experiences that act as a buffer against future adversity. In a world that often demands seriousness, the ability to laugh, even at the absurdities of one’s own family dynamics, is a powerful form of self-care and a pathway to healing and growth.

Dear God, may I just join the nearest horse herd?

It’s feeling a lot like Christmas now.

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
~ Philippians 4:6-8

There’s always one in a family. This is Ginger.

Drop The Reins

It's training day every day. With God. I have my boot wraps and antlers on.

The least amount of effort and the greatest amount of accomplishment always signifies With God for me. It is this that I experienced early in sobriety and can describe as The Praying For God's Will results in using the least amount of effort but achieving the greatest amount of progress. Artist-living-life-in the spirit.

God's will for us is to follow Him on the greatest life adventure that He has created for each one individually. When I am not in that attitude of mind walking by Faith, then I am way off track and I need to drop the reins. I want to be on The Glory Road.

May you Find your Glory Road.

Note to Self:

What does it mean to Drop the Reins {of one's entire life}? This was born from my experience of riding with eyes closed, dropping the reins and lifting both hands straight out from the shoulders forming a T, allowing the horse to go through the walk-trot-canter at will on a leadline. I felt the float and fly happen where the horse and I move as One. Heaven!

It is a great practice to drop the reins every day and Let God Reign.

This is 'Drop the Reins', thank you for being here. Please leave a comment. I enjoy reading and responding. Your subscription encourages me to continue writing.

Ginger with Sis at Pike’s Peak Days