“I am out with lanterns looking for myself.”
~ Emily Dickenson
A road without end
PAUSE POINT > The road of recovery does not end. It's a road marked by progress not perfection. But along the timeline there comes a point when the actual hard work of learning and practice of a new way of life becomes maintenance of a fit spiritual path.
Each person finds that fulcrum point for themselves. They may rest, supported for a time, and then they must pivot to grow in new directions. A pause too long can become 'resting on one's laurels' and falling back into old ways.
Recovery is a choice made daily supported by right action.
CHECK POINT > I know when I am off-center. At best, I feel uncomfortable. At worse, I find myself saying out loud, “There are cockroaches in my brain!” Because thoughts are skittering like hellish bugs, like a virus invasion, infiltrating my recovered way of thinking.
Strangely, a music group called Blue October has a song entitled 'Hate Me' where the lyrics use those exact words and describe the state of someone struggling with addiction and its fallout.
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This is the time I drop whatever I need to drop and find my way back to center. These are the growth times. Taking personal inventory, clearing out bad habits or attitudes, and being aware of especially indifference. There are so many potholes and Grand Canyons just ahead waiting for the trip and fall.
Sharing gets me out of me. Addictions hide in secrecy. Finding new resources for spiritual growth is rewarding. Today, I got to listen to the music of a fellow recoveree. And my own words were spoken in his music.
This is the timing of 'wait for the miracle'.
RESET POINT > Today is a reset point. Pause, Reflect, and Reset were not on my creative schedule. Art projects, music practice, and other endeavors needed to halt. Recovery comes first or there will be no recovery. For relapse is a simple turning around and going the opposite direction. It too is a choice made.
What long time recovery looks like is often simply 'a stopping of doing other than' and acknowledge God and the grace given by which to live.
The adventure really starts by reaching out to other addicts and alcoholics in recovery and sharing my own story. I am never alone.
The places we fall short
The book arrived. Beautiful hard cover with dust jacket. A pinch of pages bent back at Chapter 8. In straightening the creased paper edges, the first word I read on the page was SHAME. [Oh, horror.]
I read:
Shame is hiding the fact that I'm in recovery.
Shame is raging at my kids.
Shame is bankruptcy.
I can agree.
The keys. The recovery road is a road of discovery. The above post-it came to light recently, discovered in an art journal that held memories of my family and the family music years.
The answer I have been looking for was in this equation.
To overcome Shy + Shame / do Rise + Shine
I remembered the greeting for my sister and I every morning from my father, “Rise and Shine!” he said with a smile. Every morning without fail.
The saying so impacted my heart it became the trademark for my music business.
Some times the keys to unlocking our lives are given at a time when we don't even have a use for them yet.
The un-lockings. The books of Brené Brown have filled and worked within my spirit since finding The Gifts of Imperfection where I learned the way of creative art journaling, mapping, and daring boards. With so many insights gained, this creative journey is one I am still on. I have art journaled through Rising Strong and Braving the Wilderness. I have entered The Arena and have experienced many facedown moments. They prepared me for the hardest road of all: finding my true belonging while the experiencing of being alone in the wilderness.
Brené speaks the language of long-time recovery with truth and gut level honesty.
Back to the list of horror:
Shame
Self-Compassion
Perfectionism
Guilt
Humiliation
Embarrassment
The above list of emotions have all influenced me at points my life. But the two that have been the most pervasive are - Shame and Perfectionism.
Story time. For those who started first grade in the late 60's in the Midwest, you may have experienced the enforcement of shaming as disciplinary action. Plus, schools in Denver still spanked wayward children.
As for me, my first-grade teacher would shot put chalkboard erasers at me to curtail my talking in class. After a time, she gave that up and took away my desk. I now had a seat under the chalkboard on the floor at the front of the classroom for the remainder of first grade.
The treatment had to affect me personally and perhaps help form my anti-social, anti-authority behavior character. Perhaps.
Shame is not a compass for moral behavior. ~ Brené Brown
The term shame and shameless is often misused. Unbelievably narcissists are full of shame rather than lacking shame. The common trait of a narcissist is the shame-based fear of being ordinary.
Empathy counters shame. The lack of empathy gives shame a full rein. The emotion that we call shameless actually is the absence of empathy. Where shame draws the attention inward to self, empathy focuses outwardly on others. Shame is ego-centric and self-involved and incompatible with empathy. Shame views only itself. Empathy views its own experience only to help in understanding others.
Understanding shame helps in healing shame events.
Story rewrite. An exercise I use is rewriting an event where bad feelings continue to be dredged up. These are memories that have a deep emotional memory attachment. Think of events that hold old shame and shaming.
In the rewrite, I allow myself to feel the old horror and then I reframe myself in that scenario as I am today. I take over the production and I become the director. I own my part and look at any harm I experienced, but with my adult eyes rather than the perspective of my child eyes.
This rewrite does not give a perpetrator a pass, in fact the rewrite is not about the other person or persons. The rewrite is for how I reacted and responded. And now, how I would change my actions and how I would respond differently. This is my rewrite for me because I can only change me.
from Perfectionism. Shame is its birthplace. Curiosity is the cure. One of my favorite saying from Alice in Wonderland is 'Curiouser and Curiouser.'
When I became curious about people, I stopped fearing people.
Curious does not hold all the answers and does not care how it looks.
Curious is free to find out new things.
Where perfectionism is an addictive behavior from a distorted belief system, curiosity can be its antidote.
When you struggle to find perfection, get curious about the why of it all.
Curiosity to look for others who describe their mind having cockroaches. Listening to the lyrics of a song and feeling empathy for the singer's life story. Posting a comment to say I am there alongside with you and with others walking this road.
This is what long-term recovery looks like.
Ginger, this is so well written and so very vulnerable. I love Brene' Brown. I am so glad you are here and I hope through all the work you are doing that others will find you and possibly recover with you. Thank you for putting all of this out there. ox
Thank you Deborah. ♥️