BFF becoming
intuition, insight, & inspiration {what longtime recovery looks like. Dear, Lord!}
TRUST & Self-TRUST
When I formed and joined the MALINDA Tribe {to become my own BFF} I made an agreement [covenant] with myself:
1. I am crazy about me
2. I will not tolerate any trash talk {ever}
Nix nay on the mirror reflection critiques. Nix nay on waking first thoughts of past failures. Nix nay on feeling less than.
Put on Braving & Lead With Love
Duality
Inside us all is a war between two natures. The Cherokee calls it the two wolves - which will you feed? The light or the dark. Christianity calls it carnal versus spiritual mindedness. Lindsey Stirling calls it her evil twin.
The truth is whichever side you spend most of your time and energy will grow while the other diminishes. It is relational.
In the old-time recovery program, it used to be common practice to have coins that had a vice on one side of a coin and a virtue on the other side of the coin. Whatever one was struggling with, one should focus on the virtue side of the coin for that day. Practice, practice, practice is our mantra to maintain a fit spiritual condition.
Progress not perfection.
I love to read The Golden Book Series by Father John Doe (Fr. Ralph Pfau, born 1904). He also authored Sobriety and Beyond and Sobriety Without End.
The 14 booklets are transcribed writings of talks by Fr. Pfau at sobriety retreats. Topics range from virtues and vices to explaining in-depth the principles of the 12-Step Recovery Program.
The Golden Book of Action, of Attitudes, of Decisions, of Excuses, of Happiness, of Living, of Passion, of Principles, The Spiritual Side, of Tolerance, of Sponsorship, of Resentments, of Sanity, of Sanctity.
All are encouraging, enlightening, with a sense of his terrific humor and wisdom.
I recall all the times I read the Golden Books because life has so many variables and challenges that arise out of seemingly nowhere.
My Fear of The Dark. I cannot remember a time where I was not afraid of the dark. Possibly before the age of 4? I do know there were circumstances that attributed to my gaining this unshakable feeling of fear, like our older cousins watching the TV series Dark Shadows then grabbing our little legs as we walked by to get into our sleeping bags. Screaming and shrieks and laughter and hoots and hollers ensued.
But it was more than that. The fear of the dark seemed to grow of itself into a horrendous thing when I was age 6. A thing where my legs would shake with terror in my bed, and I was unable to move, paralyzed with fear, unable to call out. And I would be in this state of terror until the light of dawn glowed through the bedroom curtains. And strangely, I felt so relieved that there was no need to mention of it to my parents. Yet, it would happen again and again.
I'm Done With My Fear of The Dark. Age 33. I have 10 years in recovery. I am a new mother with a beautiful little daughter living in 100 year-old, 12-room two-story Victorian house.
The story is told there is a woman ghost wearing a white dress who appears in our attic at times, at the front of the second-story level. Former occupants have seen her. There are written accounts in the Victorian Village archives. Everyone says she's friendly {which really freaks me out}.
I was troubled by this story. I was not willing to cohabitate with this ghostie. I have a belief that no ghost is a friendly ghost, they belong in the realm of deception and deceiving spirits.
I knew that I could not live with the nervousness and feeling of unease when in the huge house alone with my daughter at night. Did I believe in the Power of God, or did I not? The question kept flitting across my mind.
Yes. I do. So, after my daughter was in her crib and nestled comfortably and sound asleep I went and stood in front of the closed servants' door between her room and the kitchen. Inside was the narrow wooden staircase that led up to the second-story attic.
It was dark. Black dark. The verse in the Bible popped into my mind, "The night shines as day to The Lord."
I talked to God aloud and closed my eyes as I started to carefully climb the stairs. I kept my eyes shut as reached the top of the stairs and holding the banister I felt my way into the middle section of the attic. I continued talking to God and asking for strength and courage, eyes still shut.
I went slowly through the main room, arms outstretched, feeling my way through my art studio and sewing room area, then climbed the three steps leading into the front of the attic.
I took a deep breath and felt a calm come over me. I gathered my courage and said in loud strong words {as I can remember},
"You are not welcome here. In the name of Jesus you must go. We are covered by the blood of the lamb. Jesus Christ is our Lord and Savior. By His Power I command you to go and not return. In the Name of Jesus. Thank you, Lord. Thank you, Lord."
I turned and went back downstairs. Nothing but silence. I smiled. {Okay, grinned!}
Being afraid of the dark never troubled me again.
It was as if I had never had the fear of the dark at all.
As for the ghost, we never saw her. We lived there for 11 years.
Intuition, Insight & Inspiration
Intuition is sensing [something}.
Insight is seeing {something}.
Inspiration is igniting {something}.
I love these past few years spent mapping and connecting the dots to own my own story. I found this embrace of my past and embrace of myself a time to relive, re-feel, and re-experience moments of good and bad. To change the judgment to forgiveness, feel empathy, and self-acceptance for the first time. This is a blossoming rather than cognitive dissonance. Because, it has all be uncovered, discovered, and held close with love.
I spent most of the day writing my EOI- Expression of Interest to submit for a collaborative book project. I believe its a good fit.
But, before I began to form the EOI, I gave myself the right to not be selected. Honestly, I am at the point in life that if it's not God's will for me - I don't want it.
The more I rely on my spiritual connection to God, the more free I am to try new things, think new things, create new things. God loves me more than I will ever come to understand and know fully. Just a sprig of this love is incredible to me right now.
The road ahead looks beautiful. The rest of my life is before me. The best is yet to come. Because of God’s grace.
This is what longtime recovery looks like for me
Confession
Lord, I believe and HERE I am.
I want to see what you had in mind for me the day you set my feet on this earth and gave me life. I confess all the times my faith failed in missing the opportunities you had for me.
So, I ask for Your forgiveness and I ask for another opportunity. Thank you.
Me
God bless those who are sober and may God bless those who are destined to become sober.
G.S.
I have The Golden Book Series by Father John Doe also and love reading and re-reading them. I also have The Christian's Secret Of A Happy Life by Hannah Whitall Smith that Grace gave me. They were/are so instrumental to my recovery. I am behind on reading your stories. I have recently been diagnosed with yet another debilitating disorder of the nerves and arteries in the brain anyway; I am now getting caught up on your stories and love every single one! :-)
This is wonderful and I loved the story of how you overcame your fears. Thank you for sharing ❤️