The Ship and The Lighthouse

Aºtlas of My Heart

Prelude to this Letter

For those who have lost loved ones while in sobriety it is an especially difficult road that is traveled by each in their own way. It is a time that divides. It is a time of shaking. It is a time where nothing fits. For me, it was a time to find a more powerful God, because the one I had was just not big enough - for the God of my understanding could not understand my wailing.

L’ escritoire on Etsy

Irene The Brave, my mother

There were times in early sobriety I was brash and inconsiderate with my mother. Like the Mother's Day we sat on the back stoop, enjoying the warmth of the Escondido sun and just small talking.

Inside I felt a pang of guilt. This was Mother’s Day. No present to give. I was not thoughtless, but truly forgetful of the calendar date and social expectations. Sobriety had become all encompassing with the calendar divided into the first 30 days, the 90-day marks, and living one day at a time.

I gathered my resolve and courageously announced to my mother that in sobriety all days are the same. I now live One Day At A Time, regardless of holidays. The stressors and presumed social and familial obligations of holidays can overwhelm the new comer. As a practice it's best to think of a 'holiday' as just another Twenty-four Hours.

"All I have to give you is me showing up. Happy Mother's Day."

My mother turned and gave me a hug and said she did not need a gift. She told me she had her daughter back. The best gift of a mother could ask for. And the sun seemed a little brighter and I felt a lot closer to her in that moment.

My mother was my biggest fan of my sobriety. She was the pillar I leaned upon. I could share the hardest parts with her and receive her unconditional love, freely given.

My mother gained her unconditional love from practicing tough love. She had attended some Al-anon meetings, seeking help but could not seem to connect with anyone. She finally called the Al-anon Hot-line for help.

They said: Kick your daughter out into the streets.
My Mother said: But she might die.
They said: Yes, or she might live. But right now, you are enabling her and she doesn't have a chance of getting sober.

I believe my mother's faith in God and her continuous prayers played the most important role in my being led to sobriety and making the decision to become sober.

My mother passed during my 12th year of sobriety.

places we go with others, Chapter 7

Pinterest

While others were building their ships, I was building a Lighthouse. G.S.

Lighthouses
do not run about the island seeking ships to save.

Blueprint
of a music composition
started with a calling
to pay forward a legacy
the experience of creating
beautiful music
a performance played well
to an appreciative audience
a spark flamed into a fire
that ignites the crowd
to share music

all from a single music stand
and a musician who practices
to be ready.

If you are practicing performance with purpose, you will be on time. G.S.

Boundaries

The ship is meant for the sea
and its boundaries are its course;
The lighthouse is grounded to the earth
and its boundaries are its own light.

Comparative Suffering

The pain I felt from my mother's death
(she was the same age as I am now - 63)
the sentence of cancer so unfair;
it's not the same as

The newlywed wife of 70 facing
her new husband's death sentence of cancer,
just high school sweethearts recently reunited,
they said two years, but now they say two weeks;
and it's not the same as

The single mother of three
who receives the call from authorities
that her first child is found dead,
apparent suicide.

It’s not the same as.

In Loving Memory of

My brave mom Irene
My tilted sister Bella
My riding instructor/superhero Kim

A Surer Destination

There is a re-balance of life, a surer destination, and the journey of Here moments. This is a place to be brave. To find courage. To try new things. Can being the Lighthouse and sailing the Ship co-exist? A question I pose to myself.

My Lighthouse is Built. Almost 40 years built upon self inventory, sobriety, my deepening relationship with God, believing in Jesus, and learning to be a follower of Christ. In doing so, I hopefully bring light to my world instead of darkness.

My Ship is Calling. The safety of the Lighthouse will be left to embark upon a new journey and a new destination. You know what I mean if you have a relationship with God, foster obedience, desire the Word, and have learned to listen, then you have heard God speak to you as well. Prayer is a two-way conversation. He has told you His purpose for your life and He has given you a calling to fulfill.

The greatest biblical teacher in my time, Dr. Charles Stanley¹, went to be with the Lord on my sobriety birthday last year - April 18, 2023. The 30 Life Principles, Storms of Life, and How To Protect Our Peace are my favorite works as well as Dr. Stanley sharing his own transparency of prayer life. Prayer is the conduit between Heaven and Earth; between the Father's heart and his child's heart. Prayer is a gift given to mankind.

My Christmas Ship

A Ship in a Bottle

We stuff our agony, our grief, our pain, like we put a ship in a bottle. It does look unique sitting on a table or a shelf. A conversation piece. Then glanced over. Stagnate. Immovable. Unworkable. Lifeless. A ship so far from the ocean spray and rolling waves. So far from life.

A Lighthouse with no Light

We shut out happiness, and put up our sign 'Go Away! No One Is Home' and we simply stop living. The moments become weeks, then months, then years. God has betrayed us. Our loved one is gone. We will never be the same. Our light does not shine.

Irrevocably Changed

Our Story Changed. Our story is now different because our life has irrevocably changed. The loss of our special loved one creates a difference in who we know ourselves to be and how we act and interact with others. Who is this new person I have become? Our story is different.

Our World Changed. Because the world we knew included them. We could touch them. We could hug them. We could talk to them. This world has changed because they no longer live in it. Our world is different.

Our Navigation. Our course heading has changed. We are without a plan. Our sense of direction is lost. We have lost our compass as well. And the rudder no longer works. We are adrift. Our navigation is different.

Our Map. The way is unclear. There is no map connecting where we were to where we are. We are without a map to find our way back to o.k. We are lost in a world we once were clear about. Our map has changed.

Our Log Book. The blank page stares at us. There is nothing to write. The pen spills ink not tears. How does one write 'wailing'? Try describing the depth of emptiness in our craw - a chasm of missing the object of our love. The heart stabbing pain that shoots through us every time our thoughts remember they are gone. There is nothing to write. Not yet.

Dear Journal,

It's me. The nearing death of a friend has brought back the memories of other loved ones who have departed. The beauty of knowing our loved ones are with the Lord does help ease the missing of them. I once read it's our own selfishness that stands in the way of letting them go, and our own selfishness that prolongs our grieving. I don't believe everything I read.

I like to experiment.

The bow of the ship enables the hull to pass through the water for speed, navigation, and function of the vessel. Interesting fact: the bow is useful in providing reserve buoyancy for the ship. Adversity ahead! Maintain the Bow!

The buoyancy of Compassion

Ever have a close friend offer such compassion that you knew they felt your exact pain? True compassion was illustrated in scripture by Our Lord:

Jesus wept. ~ John 11:35

This picture of the Messiah weeping powerfully shows the dichotomy of being both fully-God and fully-man. He had the full power to restore His friend to life and knew that He would be doing so imminently. Yet He was moved by the sorrow of those He loved and cried alongside them. The Book of Isaiah prophesied the Messiah would be a man of sorrows. “Surely he has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows” {Isaiah 53:4a} Jesus was burdened by the grief of others. ²

Can you imagine if Jesus had taken a different approach and marched in and announced, "No worries. I got the power. Hey, Lazarus - come forth! Such silly women - all you do is cry, cry, cry."

Thankfully, Our Savior is humble and Great, a servant and a King. He shows us his humanity and his Godliness. God honors our tears. In fact, he keeps every one of our tears we shed in a bottle. {You can fact-check me on that}

The relationship between compassion and empathy, says Brené Brown in Aºtlas of The Heart (page 118), combines to create cognitive empathy, a most meaningful connection.

Compassion is defined as a recognizing our shared humanity so we treat ourselves and others with loving-kindness.

Empathy is becoming willing to be present with someone else's pain

We need to dispel the myth that empathy is 'walking in someone else's shoes.' Rather than walking in your shoes, I need to learn how to listen to the story you tell about what it's like in your shoes and believe you even when it doesn't match my experiences.
~ Brené Brown, Aºtlas of The Heart

Pity

If you are like me, I want to avoid operating from sympathy or pity once I read and studied Brown's book on the 87 Human Emotions & Experiences. I can call them first cousins.

Pity can be called a near enemy of Compassion. Pity views people different from self. There is a separation formed, a distance and remoteness from the person suffering.

Pity is a self-focused reaction instead of providing help. Pity is emotionally distanced. Pity feels superior to the sufferer. Pity avoids sharing in the suffering.

Sympathy

Sympathy is the near enemy of Empathy. Using sympathy, one can sound detached, superficial, and actually add to the discomfort of the sufferer. Sympathy focuses on the suffering rather than to person.

Sympathy says 'I feel sorry for you.' Sympathy whispers blame. Sympathy whispers shame.

Fin

For those who are battling sickness, nearing death, or watching a loved one dying - our emotions are our emotions. Honor them as real. Draw nearer to God. He is found closest in times of suffering. From personal experience, I have found joy in the arms of my Savior - because no human being could relieve my agony. And, no one has been given the road map through adversity beforehand. Be gentle with yourself and those about you.

Be a lighthouse when a Lighthouse is needed. Be a Ship when a ship is needed.

God bless those who are sober and may God bless those
who are destined to become sober.
G.S.

1. Dr. Stanley's teaching ministry program InTouch.org

2. biblestudytools.com, Why Did Jesus Weep?