Love Starlight

Who Am I: Who I Am. Aºtlas of My Heart

I didn't know it wasn't even about me. The dream and the decision were his.

THE STOCKWELLS FOUR

'Presenting The Bright and Happy Music of The Stockwells Four' read our first music billboard. I designed our first billboard, black bold letters embellished with gold and red sparkle script lettering.

Mine was a performance childhood. Other kids played sports and I protected my fingers and hands because I am an instrumentalist. The photo above brings me joy with memories filled of practice sessions, unquestionable family security, trust and loyalty.

But when home is the music and the music ends, which way leads [HOME]?

places we go when we compare #2

comparison
admiration
reverence
envy
jealousy
resentment
schadenfreude
freudenfreude

comparison
admiration
reverence

COUNTRY MUSIC STARS

The Grand Ole Opry was the destination my father set for our family band. Our repertoire of songs were Western ballads, soft Country Rock, Country Western, and Bluegrass besides the regular 1940's Big Band dance numbers and the wedding favorites.

I admired the Country Western stars and chose the songs of Anne Murray, while my sister chose the songs of Linda Ronstadt and Crystal Gail.

The only person I revered was quite possibly John Moore, the finest mandolinist I ever met. John and his sister Julie on standup bass plus Dennis Caperling on banjo were Bluegrass Etc. of Southern California and we jammed At The Pizza Place in Carlsbad, California. Bluegrass Etc. was the opening group for The Nitty Gritty Dirt Band Tour in Japan. John taught mandolinist Chris Thile of Nickel Creek. John Moore is an exceptionally gifted musician, singer and horseman. And, understandably, my first stage crush. You just had to listen to this young baritone sing, 'It's Hard to be Humble' (when you're perfect in every way). But, we were definitely on two different plains of existence.

CHRIS THILE / NICKEL CREEK¹:
What did you experience, along with the pizza? For me, I think it was as much the person playing the mandolin as it was the instrument itself. That was John Moore, who would eventually become my teacher, a very good player, also a very charismatic fellow. And I think, for a little kid, you’re just drawn to people like that, the leaders and people who shine brightly. I wanted to play the mandolin because he played it.
Chris Thile

I compared myself to no one. In my mind, I hadn't even reached the playing field yet. Sadly.

Which way leads [HOME]?

envy
jealousy
resentment

The spotlight can be a hotbed for envy, jealousy, and resentment for entertainers because of the fire that burns in the heart of a great performer. Their inner fire is the ignition that inspires them and electrifies their audience. I call it PIEZO!

Music life is an emotional never-ending performance. It's full of sounding the best and looking the best and being [ON] for that moment of recognition, that surprise opportunity appearing out of nowhere, being at the right place at the right time, it's who you know after all, and winning the next gig. The between show times are all about practicing for the next performance, group progression, and personal proficiency.

I believe I was one of the lucky ones who never really considered whether it was about me or the music. For me, it was always about the music.

Love (of the) Starlight. It's showing up in order to show off. It's humorously termed Clap-Addict, Applause Junkie, Center Stager, Spotlight Hog, Lone Star, etc. Some performers move the focus from the music/performance to themselves. They crave the adrenaline rush of performing. Each performance must exceed the performance before as they strive for a higher adrenaline rush.

I once watched a live performance of a internationally famous singer skydive onto the stage to begin his show. Just walking out to the roaring fans was not enough anymore. He needed an adrenaline jump to get into the zone of 'performance Piezo!'

I think I am a natural performer who was born loving the performing. Center stage is where I am most at home, whether for music or art. But it comes with a trigger: it's easy to fall in love with the applause and acclaim.

Juried Art Shows. My nemesis. Judging. This venue is incredibly hard for me to enter. It is unfair to judge one artist over another simply by one's personal taste in art or music. Proficiency, talent, ability, skill, and delivery should all be deciding factors. I am not an art snob, but I can walk through a juried gallery show and immediately pick out the works that should not be there. I can do the same with music. True talent and ability cannot be faked.

It isn't that I am dissuading new artists and musicians, I'm just pointing out levels of expertise and the demands that increase with skill and ability. A new painter cannot be compared to a Master Painter. It's the 10,000 hours thing.

L’Escritoire on Etsy

schadenfreude
freudenfreude

Three weeks after the trip the conversation with my dad was enlightening and beautiful. I dealt with my disappointment and did not burden our ensuing conversation with it because it was unimportant. And so we talked and shared and talked of music. Without expectations and without judgment, the truth about our music life and its ending was put into perspective and I understood. He told his side with great transparency. We laughed and shared thoughts and memories and our sadness of life without Mom. But mostly, it was the last words of closure to a time of magical music playing of a family that dared greatly for a short time, The Stockwells Four.

And, had I carried my disappointment like a cloak wrapped tightly about me, the miracle of connection would have never happened.

PLEASURE DERIVED FROM ANOTHER'S MISFORTUNE

Maybe this is relevant and maybe not. Following this rabbit trail could lead to no good place. Run!

FINDING PLEASURE IN ANOTHER'S GOOD FORTUNE

Maybe this is relevant, but more likely it's displeasure of mine in another's good fortune. My hairdresser's sister from Arcata, California, a college student at Humboldt State University, was contracted to play as a violinist in Yanni's Northern California Redwoods Concert. Really? Really?

A dream of mine for a very long time. I just forgot to keep practicing.

The gift of being set free

The gift of setting others free from my Disappointment Fallout put me in a place to receive the gift of being set free from a sorrow that has lasted 40 years: The sorrow of the loss of the family music.

With a new perspective and new understanding of what actually happened to the person who had the dream and who ended the dream, I smile, chuckle, and my heart is fully at peace. I had no idea.

I cannot explain it other than THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE.

Thank God for my Dad and for his setting the story straight. I found my way [HOME].

God bless those who are sober and may God bless those who are destined to become sober.
G.S.

1. John Moore and Dennis Caperling, article. https://www.mctama.org/john-moore-and-dennis-caperling-of-bluegrass-etc-taught-nickel-creek-to-play/